


Aftermath

by IsharaYar



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Action, Adventure, Complicated Relationships, Disturbing Themes, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Feels, Heavy Angst, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Plot Twists, Swearing, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-01-15 13:17:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12321825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsharaYar/pseuds/IsharaYar
Summary: Months after the defeat of the Reapers, word of the Normandy finally reaches earth.During the war, Jack had begun to build up a comfortable repartee with Kaidan Alenko. It didn't matter, they were never going to survive the war anyway. Only they did survive, both of them. She has no idea how to deal with the possibility of a future.... let alone a future with someone else.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Where to begin? 
> 
> This fic started as a 30 day challenge fic - Some chapters may not be as long as my usual as they were written as per the rules of the challenge. To post what I had at the end of each day. Well I didn't quite meet those rules exactly, but I certainly tried to keep up as best I could.
> 
> This is the result of that challenge, it certainly turned out to be far larger then I ever anticipated.
> 
> Originally I had posted everything to tumblr but now I am here, editing the chapters ( wasn't always time to do that during the challenge ) and posting the story. It's *almost* a full complete story. By the time I edit and post each chapter it should be. :)
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

“Hey, Jack, I heard you are leaving us in a couple of days?” A pair of deep green eyes were studying her closely. “Is it true?”

Jack slid a chair over by Shepard’s hospital bed. The fact that the other woman managed to live through the destruction of the citadel, was a testament to the strength she had seen in her during the time they worked together. It is also why she had feared the Commander at first, the moralistic side of the woman trying to pull her in directions she didn’t want to go. Directions she had resisted for a long time. The scared child cowering under the desk clamoring to get away from the Cerberus puppets, wanted to hate the universe and everyone in it, to lock it all out in an act of self preservation. Maybe, in part, it was also an act of self-loathing. She had never been strong enough to stop Cerberus from doing what they had done, no matter how many drugs they pumped into her, how many procedures they performed to enhance her biotics it had not been enough, at least not soon enough.

Jack shrugged her shoulders non-committed. “The building I was assigned to is almost done. They are starting work on getting Grissom Academy back on it’s feet and could use all the help they can get.”

“Bullshit,” Shepard replied. Her green eyes narrowed, piercing right into Jack’s skull. She couldn’t help but squirm under the accusations in her friend's expression as she shifted in the chair, averting her eyes from that stare. “Work on the academy started two months ago. I didn’t see you rushing over to help them then. Of course,” she added slyly, “you didn't know Kaidan was still alive and on his way back to earth then either.”

Finally Jack met Shepard’s stare with one of her own, the muscles in her stomach clenched tightly. “I don’t know why you think this has anything to do with him. I stayed to help the alliance rebuild something resembling a fucking command center, I am leaving because my kids need their instructor back again.”

“Are you trying to convince yourself, or me?” her former commander asked firmly.

“Neither. That's just how it is,” Jack replied with a tone that she hoped sounded as if the conversation was boring her. Non-committal was what she was going for but Shepard had this annoying fucking habit of seeing through, well everything.

“When do you leave?” Shepard asked. She shifted a little on the hospital bed with a suppressed wince. Her injuries had been extensive, the recovery a long, difficult and extremely painful process and yet, she never complained. It was impossible not to admire that.

“Day after tomorrow. I’ll stop by before I leave,” she promised.

Shepard either didn't hear the promise, or chose to ignore it because she wasn’t ready for the subject to change. “So the day _before_ the Normandy is due to arrive. You're not even going to stick around long enough to welcome them back?”

“I don't control the transport times.” Despite Jack’s best efforts to keep it out, irritation crept into her tone.

“Waiting another week or two wouldn't make any difference,” Shepard growled.

“It’s already booked, people are expecting me. Besides you are the crew's commander, you’re the one they want to see, I wasn't even on the damned ship during the war.” She balled her hands up in her lap, clenching them so tightly that she could feel her nails biting into the palms.

Until the past couple of days she had avoided talking about Kaidan with Shepard. There had been mention of the Normandy, of course, Kiri had wanted to know about her former crew. The news at the time had been that there was no news, the Normandy hadn't been seen or heard from since the battle over earth. Six months after the destruction of the reapers a message came through command, the normandy was limping her way home and was still about a month out. It had been a busy month reconstruction efforts, while stagnated in the beginning due to lack of supply lines, had started moving forward in much larger leaps. The month had passed quickly, too quickly. Jack wasn’t ready for the inevitable and didn’t intend to stick around long enough to see it take place right in front of her.

Shepard was still very much alive, she had never expected to make it through the war. Jack was convinced that the only reason Kiri didn’t reconcile with Kaidan was because she didn't want him to lose her twice. Even with only a few encounters on the citadel during the war it had been easy to see how much they both cared about the other. As far as Jack could figure, there was nothing left to stop them now.

Her fingernails pressed harder against the palms of her hands, so hard that they almost drew blood. With her small black jacket and trashy clothing, there was simply no way she would ever be able to compete. She liked her style, it was all her but, Shepard was cultured, well dressed and properly spoken. The contrast was glaringly obvious. The guy was a boyscout there was no way he, or anyone else for that matter, would truly be serious about her when they could have Shepard. Who would? There was also the fact that she didn't want serious. A bit of fun for sure but, serious got complicated and she didn’t do complicated.

 _Fuck._ She knew she could never hope to live up to the great Commander Shepard. No one ever could, least of all herself.

“You aren't going because of any sense of obligation, you are running because you are scared.” Kiri’s voice raised and adapted a commanding tone that Jack knew all too well. Regardless of the pain that was obvious when her features contorted as she moved, Shepard pushed herself more upright than the tilted bed managed.

“Just what is it that you think I am supposed to be fucking running from or scared of for that matter?” Jack hissed.

“Kaidan and the fact that you like him more than you admit,” she answered with certainty.

“You are getting this from what? One drunken kiss at a fucking party? That hardly amounts to anything worth running from, or staying for.” Jack popped up from the chair she had taken residence on, pushing it away with the backs of her legs. “I get that you might be a little jealous because I kissed your ex but, don’t try and make it into something that it's not.” Her eyes narrowed into small slits, Shepard had no right to be throwing around accusations. “I’ve changed my mind about that visit tomorrow. I’ll see you around Shepard.”

It all went so fast. One moment she was closing the gap towards the door, the next she heard shuffling coming from the bed behind her. Shepard cursed painfully under her breath, Jack knew there was no way she could get to her feet without a lot of assistance. Right afterwards there was a loud crash against the wall. A metallic object hit near the doorway she was about to pass through, followed by a spray of water that chilled the backs of her legs and a pitcher crashing to the ground.

“You stubborn ass,” Kiri hissed painfully. “The first thing he did was ask about you!”

It should have been easy. Shepard couldn't follow, all she had to do was keep moving her feet, go through the door and never look back. They had other plans as they froze on the spot at the other woman’s words. Kaidan had asked about her? Jack was grateful for the fact that her back was still to the room when she tried to open her mouth and speak but no words came out. So he had asked, it made no difference. She still didn't do serious or complicated. She didn't care about him that way, she couldn't. That wasn't her.

When she didn't move or speak, Shepard's voice lowered and yet still somehow managed to echo throughout the room. “He needed to know that you survived and then he wanted to know if, over the past months you had found someone. If you had heard the hope in his voice when I told him you were still here, on earth, waiting for news of the Normandy like the rest of us…” her voice trailed off.

She hated the way that her stomach clenched, almost to the point of being nauseating. More than that she hated the aching sensation in her chest and the way all of her muscles tensed. God, this was why she didn’t do complicated. It hurt and it sucked. She _needed_ to get away, to go back to the sanctuary of the academy. It would all go back to normal when she was back with her kids. “That is not why I stayed. I did it to help with the reconstruction efforts,” she lied, hoping that her voice didn't betray her words.

“Liar,” Kiri declared. “Kaidan deserves better then this.”

That was the first thing Jack agreed with, he did deserve better. He deserved someone like Shepard, not someone like her. “Yeah, he does,” she said quietly. Her feet started moving again, finally allowing her to leave the hospital in haste. Even so she could still hear Kiri’s curses, echos of the word coward following her down the hall before she moved beyond earshot.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I promised on tumblr here is Chapter 2 all edited and now Ao3'ed!
> 
> I hope you enjoy ( or enjoy again? For those who caught this fic on tumblr before!)

The following day moved quickly, one hour rolling into the other. The last rooms of the new alliance command where being opened, furniture moved in and arranged efficiently. Jack had lost count of the number of desks and chairs she had relocated. How many offices did they need anyway? She worked constantly and tirelessly but by the end of the day her arms and back had begun complaining, aching all over. What kept her going was the knowledge that by the same time the following day she would be well in her way to Grissom Academy, with earth light years behind her. Maybe by then the twisting knot in her stomach each time she let her mind wander back to the conversation with Shepard, would dissipate.

She remembered back to the beginning, when she hated places like the original alliance command. Large, open, sterile environments filled with people wanting for nothing. It was difficult to stomach knowing there were people living in much harsher conditions. There was nothing right about it. As she looked around the new buildings now, no less elaborate than they had been those first times, something was different. A spark of accomplishment crept into her mind, knowing she had played a part in making it happen. The building had gone from a pile of concrete, rubble, twisted beams and turned into an elaborate piece of architecture. She had expected to feel more at home when the place was little more than rubble. She expected that same feeling of unease to sweep over her when faced with such a large, intimidating structure but after standing there for a time it didn't come. It was, almost, right. Being on earth, standing in the alliance command center that she helped to rebuild, felt a little like home.

She ate her meal alone in her room that night and settled in to do what she did most nights, read. Over the past weeks that room had been shifted from the makeshift barracks in a half collapsed building, to the new alliance headquarters. Admiral Hackett had insisted upon it despite her resistance, with all the work she had done, feeling a more comfortable location was deserved. 

Sleep all too often came with images, nightmares, memories, some from during the war with the reapers and others from before. All of them things she didn't want to remember. It was just easier to avoid sleep as much as she could, if her eyes remained open the images didn’t flood her mind as readily. The reading filled in those empty hours. She read entry after entry of extranet files, although they weren't as extensive as they once were. The range was still limited with entire systems remaining out of touch, like they were out of reach. Even though that number continued to decrease from one week to the next, the effects of the war were still heavily felt all over. There was no way to avoid it completely. 

As she sifted through the most recent entries, she wasn’t exactly sure what was more surprising. The lack of mention of the Normandy and it's returning crew, or the fact that she kept looking for it in every entry she opened. It wasn’t as if she really cared what people were, or weren’t saying about the Normandy. Why then did her eyes keep scanning word, after word just for that single name?

Voices, quiet at first then gradually increasing in volume reached her ears. Jack stirred and lifted her head up from the desk, trying to focus blurry eyes onto the datapad that was still resting on the desk in front of her she realised she must have drifted off. It only took a moment to figure out that what had woken her was a constant stream of voices and activity in the alliance command halls. A quick glance at the chronometer she realized it was only a little after zero five hundred hours, something had to be going on to generate so much excitement so early.

She half stumbled her way over to the door, pausing only long enough to wipe at the sleep in her eyes. Yanking it open, she corralled the first person that happened to pass close enough to the room, she recognized him as one of the marines assigned to security.

“What's going on?” she asked with a voice that sounded groggy, even to her own ears.

“The Normandy is coming into dock at any moment now. The brass wanted a good sized welcome for the crew responsible for saving all our asses,” he said quickly.

Her heart stopped. “Did you say Normandy? It isn't supposed to be due back until tomorrow.”

“Well, it looks like they are early. Probably left a little room for error or hiccups with their original calculations,” he replied.

Jack barely heard what the man was saying, she was too busy trying to focus on just  _ breathing. _ “Well, tell them to keep the fucking noise to a dull roar. Some of us are still trying to sleep,” she growled before slipping back into the safety of her room and securing the door behind her.

She pressed her back hard up against the surface and squeezed her eyes shut tightly against the swirl of colours in front of them. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. The transport to Grissom should have been hours out before the Normandy arrived. The door swayed behind her back as if the solid object was suddenly moving and her stomach muscles clenched so tightly that she couldn’t breath.

_ Think _ . Thinking was good.

At first she took in a fast gulp of air and then another. When that didn't work she tried a slower, deeper breath, followed by another and then another. The door stopped moving and the clouds of fog in her mind began to clear. She opened her eyes and instantly they turned to look at the chronometer above her bed once more. Zero five-sixteen. A little more than three hours before her transport was due to leave. That wasn't so bad right? She could remain in her room, pack a few belongings and sneak out to the transport when it was time. Surely by then most of the commotion should have settled and the ship's crew would be scattered catching up with friends and current events.

She knew. She _knew_ if she ran into Kaidan before then, that she would end up staying. He had this power over her that she had no explanation for. Shepard was unaware of the fact that it had been more than just one kiss and they hadn't always been drunk. There had been dates, of sorts. Long nights at purgatory spent in a quiet corner talking, followed by dancing and kisses… a lot of kisses. They had started out heated and only increased in intensity. The worst part was the fact that she had pursued him, he had been like a magnet pulling her towards him and she had been powerless against that pull. If there had just been a little more time, things may have progressed passed just making out. Of course she had wanted to, just throw him down on the bed and fuck him senseless but he held them back. The more time they had spent the more she could feel his resolve weakening. The difference was, back then during the war there had been that barrier, the very real possibility of an out. Back then their chances of survival had been slim to none, making the chances of a lasting relationship, something serious, unlikely.

Then she found out, they were both still very much alive. The war was over and had been for some time, the reapers defeated. There was the possibility of a long future and along with that, the possibility of being left behind, again. Not through death. Death would at least be forgivable, painful, but not intentionally sinister. Intentional abandonment, being left behind vulnerable and alone was an experience she  _ never _ wanted to repeat. One she would never allow be repeated. The worst part of that time in her life had been the complete humiliation, the running over and over in her mind everything they had said to her that she had believed. She had been weak, let herself trust. All of it had been lies and she had been too stupid, to naive, to see it until it had been too late. Even years later she  _ still  _ remembered all of their lies. The moments they had made her feel safe, protected, even loved and the heart wrenching, suffocating, moment of realisation that none of it had been real. She wasn’t that weak, naive kid anymore, she knew better. The only way to be certain it never happened again, was to never let it happen again. To never be weak enough to trust so completely. She knew the only person she could really trust was herself and even that wavered, she couldn't trust herself to recognize the difference between what was real and what was not. Leaving was the only right choice, the safe one. 

Why then was her stomach twisting into horrible, painfully nauseating knots that refused to relent? 

How long had she been standing there? Outside the room had gone eerily quiet. The Normandy crew could be in that very building at that moment, towards the front of the main structure she wouldn’t hear them. Kaidan could be little more than meters away, maybe even right outside her door if he was moving around alone. For the briefest moment of insanity she considered going out there to see if he was there. To find out if she even still felt anything in his presence, there was the possibility after so long that the flames had vanished and she was leaving for no reason.

_ Don’t be an idiot. It's not worth risking everything. _

It wasn't. She hadn't worked her ass off becoming the confident, self assured instructor that she had been to risk ruining it. Hell, she had even been happy at the academy. With a determined tilt of her chin she left the door and set about stuffing her belongings into her travel pack. Most of her personal belongings were probably still at Grissom, if they hadn't been destroyed or stolen. On earth she had very little, just a few clothes and as she reached the desk her eyes fell to the two items she had never been able to part with. One was a group photo of everyone at Shepard's apartment on the citadel. They had all been there and in the picture Kaidan had leaned into her to whisper in her ear right as the camera snapped. He had asked her if she thought they could top their kiss from the night before with another. The memory of that moment so clear that she could, almost, feel the warmth of his breath against her skin and the gentle caressing of his biotics mingling with hers.

The other item was a small, plastic replica of the normandy encased in a clear plastic shell. A prize Kaidan had won from one of those blasted machines that would never co-operate for her and then subsequently given to her as a memento. In one smooth movement she swept one arm across the desk, toppling both items into the wastebasket beside it. She was only being stupidly sentimental keeping them anyway. 

Her eyes glanced once more to the headboard above her bed. Zero Six Forty. The time wasn’t moving fast enough and she was out of things to do but wait.

A knock at the door reverberated throughout the room. For a moment she completely stopped breathing and stood perfectly still in the center of the room. The door rattled in its hinges as the person on the other side knocked again with more insistence.

“Jack? Are you in there? They said this was your room,” Kaidan explained as the door handle rattled from an attempt to see if it was locked or not. 

The air she had been holding in her lungs rushed out at the sound of the voice she hadn't heard in over six months. He was right outside her room, just past the synthetic wood that separated them and blocked her view. Her bare feet moved quietly over the carpeted floor and came to a stop at what was more than likely mere inches from the man on the other side. One hand raised, as her eyes closed, and pressed against the cool surface. She could remember the warmth of his body near hers as clearly as if it had only been days, not months.

Her skin warmed and she froze in place, every muscle tensing.  _ Fuck, why didn't I think of that before moving? _

A hint of biotics rippled over her body. Tiny but powerful electrical currents warming the surface of her skin, mingling with her own. Just as they had before the currents reached out to her, syncing themselves with the power that resonated from her own biotics, gliding beside them as if… as if they were almost communicating. That was part of what had drawn her to him in the first place, the way their biotics reacted to the other, a power unlike anything she could recall feeling before. 

If she could feel his biotics through the door, there was no way he wouldn’t feel hers as well.

“Jack?” the gentle hum of his voice held a hint of confusion. “I know you are there. Are you sleeping?”

She held her breath and didn’t dare move.

“Okay, well I wish you would just say something. I’ll check back after I have been to the hospital.” Disappointment mingled with the confusion that dripped from his words.

As she heard the sound of his footsteps moving away, her legs gave out from underneath, inevitably the rest of her followed as she crumbled to the floor. It was impossible not to remember, everything. How safe she had felt with him, how he had somehow moved with a protectiveness that she hadn’t expected. The other thing she knew, the thing years of experience had taught her was that safety was a lie and it made one complacent. No one was ever truly safe. Complacency was to invite death, to remain alert was the only way to stay alive.


	3. Chapter 3

The door was open just a crack, enough to peer into the corridor and see that it was empty. Only then did she open it further and step out of the room. Her travel pack was slung over her shoulder haphazardly, which fit her mood perfectly. Five steps later she faltered. With a curse under her breath she turned back. 

Inside the room, Jack leaned over the wastebasket, peering into the round metallic container at the contents. Both objects were right where she had left them and no worse for wear after her earlier outburst. Reaching in to retrieve the photo and the Normandy replica, she dropped the pack from her shoulder, long enough to stuff them alongside her clothing and refasten the zipper. Mumbling under her breath about stupid sentimentality being a weakness that she needed to shake.

Back out of the room, as she reached the end of the halls, Jack peered into the very large expanse of the main lobby that was between her and the door. Carefully she scanned the faces of those who were visible. For the most part the room was relatively empty, unlike the earlier bustle of activity. A few guards and receptionists were present, she vaguely recognised them but couldn’t put names to the faces. On the very far side she could make out Admiral Hackett’s form, although facing in her direction he was busy talking to another person. As her eyes adjusted to the brighter lighting and the distance, she could recognise his companion.

_ Fuck. It's Joker. _

Quickly Jack ducked back behind the wall. Somehow she had to make it all the way through the massive room, to the main doors, without Joker seeing her. If he did she knew he would delay her with conversation. There was no time for delays, not when Kaidan said he would check her room again after his hospital visit.

Her heart was hammering so hard that her ears felt like they were throbbing, tension building at the back of her head to the point where it made her neck ache. All she had to do was get out of that building and she would be fine. Drawing in a deep breath, she peered out from around the corner once more. As luck would have it, Joker had moved and all she could see was his back. If he did see her once she made it past him, she could just keep walking and pretend like she hadn't and if he called out she could make out like she hadn’t heard. It wouldn’t be that difficult, it's not like he could catch up with her.

At a brisk pace, she moved out from the safety of cover and headed directly towards the door. As she made it closer to Jokers location she watched him from the corner of her eye, willing him silently not to turn around. She sighed inwardly, relief washing over her as she made it past without incident. Less than a minute later the exit she was aiming for was only a couple of meters away when he called out to her.

“Jack!” he said loudly.

Her breath caught in the back of her throat as she kept walking, willing herself not to pick up the pace or do anything that might indicate she had heard.

“Hey Jack, what's the rush?” Joker said louder. As his voice echoed around the main hall and her feet came to a halt.  _ Fuck. What the hell is wrong with me? _

After everything she had been through with the Normandy crew, she couldn't just ignore him. Joker had always been fun for the snarky banter they exchanged and they had both given as good as they got. Jack turned around and waited for him to move closer, being as close to the exit as she was, there was no way she was going to backtrack.

“Is the building on fire or something?” he asked with a hint of amusement. “If it is, you should probably warn people first, you know, before they all burn to death.”

She flashed him her best, wicked smile, “Now why would I do that when someone here might actually be stupid enough to save your sorry ass?”

“Ah, now there is the Jack we all love to hate,” Joker responded as he limped to a stop in front of her, using his custom braces for support.

“It does take a particular kind of skill to constantly piss everyone off,” she said with a smirk.

“You do it so well that I  _ almost _ missed it.” The voice behind his words took on a momentary, serious tone.

The smiles that she had been faking because her mind was set on simply getting out of there, turned to something more genuine. Something that just appeared and stayed without effort. “You better not be going soft on me. I can take it from Shepard in small doses but you? You better keep fucking swearing at me or I may just have to break a few bones.”

“Duly noted. Jack’s the bitch who likes bullying the crippled guy,” he added with a grin that totally ruined any effect his words may otherwise have.

“I am late for an appointment,” she lied reluctantly.

“Alright, see ya.” His tone was low and laced with enough disappointment that she hesitated, just for a moment before continuing on her way.

As she reached the door, Jack looked back over her shoulder. “Hey Joker?” she paused for a second. When she was sure he was looking in her direction she spoke up, “it was good to see you again.”

“Yeah, you too,” he agreed before he turned back towards the Admiral who, by then, was busy conversing with someone in a security uniform.

The taxi ride to the shipping yards was easy and uneventful, much to her relief. At least something for the day didn't turn out to be a complete disaster. Every part of her was already devoid of energy her usual energy levels and it wasn't even mid morning. The transport for the trip to the academy had been arranged by alliance command, a shipment of much needed supplies had been set to depart and she was to join them on the journey. Not that there was a lot of spare supplies to go around since the war. It made sense for her to travel along with them on the cargo vessel, all of the alliances resources were still extremely limited, having one of the vessels on patrols take a detour just to transport her was a luxury that they really couldn’t afford. 

Even if they would have done it for one of the former members of the Normandy crew, and they would have if she asked. The attention was unnerving. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy being the center of attention. Sure, at a party if she was dancing on the table tops exuding sexual attention she expected and wanted all eyes her way but that hero worship shit? That was best saved for the real heros. People like Kiri Shepard and Kaidan Alenko, they had earned that kind of attention.

Since the ship's Captain was already expecting her, checking in and showing him her travel credentials was little more than a necessary formality.

“We are running a little behind schedule but the last of the cargo is being loaded as we speak. We should be underway soon,” the Captain explained as he checked over her approved travel request on his omnitool.

“That’s fine,” Jack said, distracted by her thoughts. She had made it, finally, without running into Kaidan. She really was going to leave without having seen him and what should be a feeling of relief flooding her veins, was anything but. Her stomach was still churning and twisting into knots. Normally she had an overactive appetite, in fact she was almost always hungry but all morning the mere thought of food made her nauseated. “Do you mind if I go onboard now?” she asked as her eyes scanned from one end of the platform to the other.

“Not at all, go ahead. Make yourself at home and don't mind our pilot, she is a total ice queen but one of the best,” he responded lightly.

Jack nodded and then stepped away. Inside the safety of the airlock, completely out of view, the air in her lungs rushed out. She hadn't realised until that moment that she was shaking from head to toe. Pangs of guilt kept trying to sneak their way into her mind and she kept having to fight them down. She would much rather another battle with the collectors over the battle that insisted on raging in her head, over a guy no less.

All she could do was try and switch her focus to the journey ahead. It didn't take long to locate the locker that had been assigned to her, or the sleeper pod in the crew quarters. She wasn’t in the mood for conversation so she did little more than nod her head towards anyone who tried to introduce themselves. So many vessels had been destroyed during the war, vessels of all varieties. There was plenty of remaining crew and too few ships, as a result the crew complement of the cargo ship was easily full. It felt as if she was constantly side-stepping someone new in an attempt to find a quiet place to reside.

It wasn't difficult to hear the conversations around her, the vessel wasn’t overly large and most of the crew, were rowdy and loud spoken. Her name along with mention of the Normandy reached her ears, carried on hushed whispers, as she attempted to move without making eye contact that would invite conversation. It wasn’t that anyone would have recognised her, yet somehow, word seemed to have spread that she had been on board the Normandy during the reaper war and too many eyed her with curiosity. Once upon a time the only glances that were shot her way were either fear or distaste, or both, and she had liked it that way.

“Captin’ says we are leaving in a minute. Cargo is all onboard,” she overheard from one of the operations crew speaking to another.

Jack stepped up to one of the windows and peered out. A surge of sentimentality came crashing around her, for over six months Vancouver had been her home. She had seen it go from chaos and rubble, to a once more workable community in that time and even played a part in making it happen. She realised just how important the work they had been doing really was and that she hadn't hated being part of that.

Her eyes fell to a figure who was standing on the platform below. The well fitted blue alliance uniform, the neat dark hair and ruggedly handsome features of the man was unmistakable. As she locked gazes with a pair of familiar, dark amber eyes Jack gasped involuntarily. Kaidan was looking right at her and although she couldn't hear his voice she could make out her name being formed on his lips. It was the look in his eyes that ripped right through her. Stricken, hurt, devastated even and it was her fault. He had survived the war, traveled for months on a limping ship to come home only to be burned by someone he had cared about. She was the one fucking responsible.

The ship's engines hummed throughout as they came to life, Jack instantly snapped into action. “Wait! Wait!” she called out as her feet carried her in a flash to the cockpit. “Five minutes, I just need five more minutes,” she pleaded at the pilot.

“Everyone's been clocked in, cargos loaded and we are already behind schedule. So unless you are dying, get your ass back where you just came from,” she snarled.

“You don't understand, there is someone out there who I haven't seen since before the war ended. I just need five minutes to talk to him,” she knew the panic that was gripping her told in her voice and for the moment, she didn't care what emotion may have been showing on her usually carefully guarded features.

“Not happening lady,” the pilot insisted. 

Jack realised that the other woman never once stopped working on the console in front of her and that the ship's engine sounds had changed. They weren't docked anymore. “You fucking ass, five fucking minutes wouldn't have made any difference to your precious little schedule!” She could feel the burning rage building up inside her. It came from somewhere right down low, in the depths of her stomach. It was a blinding fury compounded by her own inner guilt for what she had done. Biotic power ripped through her, surging violently. It took every ounce of her strength to hold back the blue electrical currents that lit up around her body.

“Get a grip Lady. I don't want to call security in here to restrain you for the rest of the trip,” the pilot threatened. Fear caused the woman's voice to shake and dulled the rage that was surging through Jack’s veins, just a little but it was enough.

“They wouldn't be able to even if they tried,” Jack hissed as she turned on her heels and stormed out of the cockpit.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

One of the cargo holds on the Triani became her self imposed prison for the eight day journey to the academy. A cot was set up in the small space between large crates and none of the crew complained that Jack was staying out of their way, especially after her outburst in the cockpit. In a way it reminded her of the space she had chosen to make her own on the Normandy, back when she first joined the crew. The space she had on the completely unfamiliar vessel did little to provide any comfort, but she didn't want to be comforted.

Fuck, she wished she had never entertained the notion of being part of a pair in the first place. A moment of foolish weakness that she was paying for now but worse then that, one that he was paying for as well. Her hands clenched tightly as she paced, reacting to the thought of how easily she could have avoided it all if she had just resisted flirting with the sexy boy scout. It’s not like he was ever really her type to begin with. Kaidan was far too clean cut, serious and real. 

She had eaten and drank very little, just enough to survive and even those small amounts had threatened to make a reappearance for about an hour after. She slept even less. It didn't help that every time her eyes closed she could see Kaidan’s expression all over again. The pain that had been there made her head thump from the images. On the one hand she couldn’t have known how serious he had taken their previous encounters, on the other hand she should have known. Didn’t that make her no better than those who had left her behind in the past? Had she become the very thing she spent her life trying to avoid in others? It was an unnerving prospect and held enough truth to make her even more uncomfortable.

The only light was the knowledge that soon she would be with her kids. Somehow the miss matched group of troubled teens had snuck their way in with her. She cared what happened to them, hell they were only young, innocent, someone needed to look out for them. It had been unexpected but not unwelcome when she had seen something of herself in the young biotics.

The time the ship arrived at the academy was late night by station time. Jack didn’t speak to anyone on the way out, but she did hear a comment from someone who claimed they would feel safer once she was gone. She threw a glare in the direction of the voice and smirked when the guy responsible recoiled, back stepping until he disappeared into the crew quarters. At least they seem to have gotten over their case of hero worshipping.

They would unload the cargo and haul up for the remainder of the night. As far as she knew the ship's departure time was set for the following morning and the crew would remain onboard. At least that would mean less work for Kahlee, Jack knew her colleague was practically running the academy by herself at that time. It was a lot of work for an entire team, way too much for one but they had lost good people when fucking cerberus had launched their attack.

She wasn’t sorry that organisation had been burned to the ground by Shepard. Her only regret was that she hadn't been there to see it happen, or even better to be the one to light the fucking fuse herself.

There was no surprises, as she made her way across the docking bay, that no one was there to greet her. The kids would all be in their quarters asleep by that hour, Kahlee as well more than likely so that she could be up with them for breakfast. Aside from a random guard scattered here and there, none of them familiar, the halls were empty. Jack breathed in the familiar station air and a smile tugged at the corner of her lips, it felt like... home.

As she turned one corner, moving through the familiar station towards the direction of her quarters, voices reached her ears. As best she could tell, they were coming from one of the recreation rooms. That room in particular she knew had a pool table, a dartboard and a decent sized screen for watching holovids, often popular with the students during their breaks.

“Did you see Sanders? She was totally furious when Dave refused to join the barrier team. I swear her face was so red I was expecting to see smoke coming out of her ears!”  the familiar voice of Rodriguez exclaimed, her words sounded slightly slurred to Jack’s ears.

The exclamation was followed up by what sounded like three distinctly different laughs. She knew the curfew time and that it appeared as if some of the students had decided to break it. At least one of them a student that she had personally taught. With her arms folded, Jack leant up against the doorway and peered in.

“Rodriguez, that doesn't look like juice,” she said loudly into the room.

“Jack!” Rodriguez exclaimed with genuine surprise in her voice, as if she was happy to see her former teacher. It lasted only a moment before she did a double take. Realizing what was still resting in her hand she tried to hide the beer behind her back, even though it was futile. “Jack! What ’r’ you doin’ ‘ere,” she slurred and stumbled on her attempt to stand upright.

The other students in the room must have been new because Jack didn’t recognise any of them. All three of them held beers in their hands and suddenly looked like a young children caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

“I think the real question is, what are you doing here past curfew and where the hell did you get that beer?” Jack scolded. It was exceptionally difficult to sound angry at someone she was really happy to see again. Even harder to be angry about something she probably would have done gladly herself given the opportunity.

“We.. we aren't hurtin’ anyone. Just wanted some fun ya know?” Rodriguez tried to explain.

“The beer, now,” she ordered with her hands out to take the offending drinks. Each student reluctantly gave up their beer, handing the bottles to Jack under the pressure of her best ‘don’t mess with me gaze’. “At least save the underage drinking for when you are on holidays, not in the middle of the academy grounds.” Shit, when did she become that person? “I should report all your sorry asses but, tonight you get lucky. I won't say anything to Kahlee, but this will never happen again and you will all hightail it back to your rooms stat,” Jack growled.

There were mumbles of protest but none were really game enough to challenge her as she stared them down. The three students that she didn’t know were the first out the door, not that they were moving fast as they stumbled their way around tables and chairs to reach it. They may not have met her in person before, but clearly they had heard of her reputation.

Rodriguez was following them but stopped to look at her former instructor, “I'm glad you're back.”

Jack’s expression softened as she nodded, the corners of  her lips curling upwards. “Back at you kid. How are the others?”

“Gone,” Rodriguez expression twisted as she dropped her head low. “Only me and Prangley left.”

“What do you mean gone?” Jack demanded.

“Never showed up. They were supposed to arrive just after us, ship just vanished,” she slurred with a sob.

“What the fuck do you mean the ship just vanished?! Why didn't I know about this?!” Every muscle in her body tensed, her hands instantly clasped into tight balls by her sides. She can’t have heard right, it wasn’t possible. Was Rodriguez so drunk that she didn’t know what she was saying? As Jack’s eyes searched the young woman’s and saw the tears that were running down her cheeks, her stomach lurched. Even if she had the story twisted, something was clearly very wrong.

In fact the whole scene was wrong from the moment she stepped into the room. Rodriguez wasn’t one to go around breaking the rules, but she might have been able to look past one indiscretion if Prangley had of been there as well. It was like those two were joined at the hip most of the time.

If the story was right, if the ship transporting them to the academy never arrived then her kids had been missing for two months and no one bothered to tell her. The room was spinning, almost as if she had been the one drinking. What was going on with her kids?  _ Fuck this shit. If someone hurt them, they will burn in hell. The ones who didn’t tell me can burn in hell too, all of them. _

It took her a moment to realise Kahlee Sanders had appeared and was standing just outside the door with a solemn expression, “We need to talk.” 

 


	5. Chapter 5

She could barely breathe as she followed Sanders down the familiar hallway to her office. If she had thought her stomach was knotted before, it had nothing on the terrible sensations burning themselves into her gut. There were no excuses, none, for not having told her what had happened. They were her kids and she had a right to know. Two fucking months. She should be out there following leads and bringing them back home, instead she had been unaware and sitting around on earth waiting for the Normandy. Anything could have happened to them. 

_ Anything. _

So many thoughts raced through her mind. Had they left her on purpose? Just like the others had. If she didn't stay back on earth, would she have been on the same transport and been able to keep them safe? Was it her fault? There had been such a burning  _ need _ to find out what happened to the Normandy, that maybe it had blinded her to possible threats against the people she had sworn to protect. All of the questions raced and rolled in together until her head was spinning so fast that she lost her footing. Pressing a hand up against the doorframe of Kahlee’s office to steady herself was the only thing that had stopped her from going sprawling across the floor.

“Are you okay?” Kahlee asked. Her question was followed by an instant grimace. “Stupid question,” she mumbled under her breath. If anyone knew just how much Jack had come to care about those kids, it was her.

“I’m fine,” she snapped.  _ Get a grip.  _ “You had better start talking, before you aren’t.” She straightened herself up and stormed into the office. Once they were both inside, Jack slammed the doors control panel with a hand that was still holding two beer bottles to close it. Beer splashed out hitting the wall and dripping down onto the floor. If only that panel had the face of whoever had taken her kids, then she may have felt a little better.

“Jack, I need you calm first.” Sanders fixed her with a firm stare, her voice quiet when she carefully formed her words.

After working with her for as long as she had, Jack knew exactly what Kahlee was trying to do. It wasn't going to work, she wasn’t about to be calmed by a few words and a stare. Not this time. “I will not calm down,” she hissed through clenched teeth. “When something is going on with my kids, you should fucking tell me! I don't… “ she swallowed hard. She did not keep those kids alive during the war just to lose them right afterwards. “I don't want to hear your excuses, I just want to know what happened.” Even after spilling the beer, it still hadn't registered until that moment that she was still holding the four bottles she had confiscated in both hands. Promptly she dropped them down onto the desk, ignoring the fact that one toppled over. A stream of liquid spread across the desk and over the side, leaving a puddle of beer on the floor.

She could see Kahlee watching the spill and then glancing back up. Her fingers drummed on the side of the desk as if she was itching to clean it up. Jack fixed the woman with a stare that dared her to even try dealing with the mess before telling her what happened to her kids.

“You won't like it,” Kahlee said quietly with a sigh of defeat. “The truth is we have nothing. They left earth on schedule, there was a couple of late editions, eight year old biotic twins but they managed to clear them without delays.” 

“They hit the mass relay on time, they exited the closest mass relay on this end. Somewhere between the relay and here the ship just vanished.” Kahlee continued, her lips drawn into thin lines. “The earth alliance patrols found nothing, no signs of battle, not even debris. Which I suppose is the good news. They scoured the entire flight path and beyond, there was nothing.”

“Earth alliance knew about this too and they didn't tell me?” Jack growled.

“I suggested they may want to wait until we know something. You already had enough to worry about and there wasn't anything you could do,” Kahlee explained.

“How can you possibly know that?! How do you know that I wouldn't have seen something that they missed?!” she growled, pacing the office with her hands clenching and unclenching.

“Maybe because there is nothing to see,” Kahlee said apologetically. “I am so sorry Jack, I understand how much of a shock this must be for you.”

It was all too much to absorb, she didn't want to absorb it. “I want everything, all of the reports from the patrols, the names and dossiers of everyone on board the transport. All of it, no matter how small a detail,” she demanded as she stopped pacing to glare at the other woman.

“I thought you might ask that. The information is already compiling, it will be ready for you by morning. You look exhausted..,” she started before Jack cut her off.

“Don’t fucking do that, you don't get to feel sorry for me. Not after you didn't tell me. Save it for someone who wants your pity,” she yelled. Turning on her heels Jack slammed the panel open handed and stormed out of the room.

_ Now what? _ She felt as if she should be doing something, anything, to find them. What if they were being tortured or slowly killed? What if they were already… no they were alive, they had to be. Her mind drifted to Rodriguez and how she had found her earlier, at least it made sense finding her most well behaved student acting out the way she had been.  _ Fuck, I should have at least been there for her. _

__

When she got there, the girls quarters was engulfed in complete darkness. At least it felt that way, until her eyes adjusted enough to make out the outlines of the bunks. She stepped quietly as she made her way over to the bunk that had always been Rodriguez’s before, assuming that she had taken it for her own again. She claimed sleeping down the bottom had always made her feel trapped so she always taken a top bunk.

“Hey,” Jack whispered. “You still awake?”

The girl rolled over to face the direction Jack’s voice had come from, a hand instantly moved up to her head, “God, my head feels like an assault rifle has been let loose in there.”

Jack hesitated for a moment, although she had gotten better with it over time, the whole talking thing had never been a strong point. A lot of problems with the kids had been solvable with a good sparring match or talking down. In fact… an idea formed in her mind that might just work. “Up,” she said firmly. If the others woke up now it would be even better.

“It’s the middle of the night and my head hurts,” Rodriguez complained.

“I said up. Don’t make me drag your ass out of here,” she said hissed louder. Jack stepped back as Rodriguez stumbled sleepily down from the bunk to stand in front of her. Some of the others in the room had started stirring, rubbing their eyes and glancing over to see what the noise was about. “We are going to take a little walk,” she directed as she motioned for the Rodriguez to join her.

“Uhoh Rodriguez is in trouble,” someone commented from the other side of the room.

“Who is that with her anyway?” asked another voice.

“That’s Jack,” someone else hissed. “Trust me you don't want to mess with her.”

“Does that mean you have been keeping your ass out of trouble Kit?” Jack asked locking eyes in the dimness with the other girl.

“You know it. Learned my lesson the hard way,” she responded.

“Well I suggest all of you get your heads down and keep your mouths shut. No point in waiting up, Rodriguez here won’t be back to sleep anytime soon.” She shooed the very reluctant and very tired student out into the hall. There was no need to even explain where they were heading, Rodriguez already knew the drill, they all did. At least any of the kids who had been there before did.

The room that stretched out in front of them was home to a decent array of exercise equipment. Several treadmills lined one side, the middle was home to many different weight benches and the far side had one long beam, that stretched the length of the wall for chin-ups and other upper body toning. Although most complained about gym classes, it was just as important to keep their stamina up as it was to teach them how to use their biotics effectively and how to shoot a firearm.

“You aren't really going to make me do this are you?” Rodriguez asked almost timidly holding back a yawn.

“Start with the treadmill,” Jack ordered.

She took up a position near the treadmill that her student was about to use, close enough that she could manipulate the speed on the controls. Rodriguez clambered up onto the conveyor belt of the machine and Jack set it into motion. She started with a slow jogging speed to begin with.

“This drinking thing, have you been doing it a lot?” Jack asked as she slightly increased the treadmills pace.

“I guess,” Rodriguez answered. Even in her tired, hovering between hungover and drunk state, she was keeping the pace Jack had set without too much effort.

“Where did you get the beer from?” she asked with another speed increase.

Rodriguez shrugged as she jogged, picking up pace with the machine out of necessity to remain on it as opposed to sprawled out on the floor. “A couple of the guys know where the guards keep their stash.”

“I haven't seen the kids you were with before, not your normal choice of friends,” Jack pressed.

“My  _ friends _ aren't here anymore are they!?” she hissed. Her words starting to sound out of breath.

Jack turned the machines tempo up to almost double the speed it was already moving at. Straight away it caused Rodriguez to start struggling with the pace and stumbling. “Is that what is about? Do you think getting plastered is going to help bring them back?”

“Fuck you,” she growled, both from the strain of keeping up with the treadmill and Jack's words. “You weren't even here!” As the last words came out she faltered on the treadmill losing her step.

Jack instantly reached out and grabbed her arm before she fell, helping Rodriguez to slip off the end of the machine without hurting herself in the process. With her free hand she gripped the collar of the girls pajamas and got up into her face. “I am here now and they wouldn't want you throwing your life away getting wasted, hanging out with the wrong people and getting yourself kicked from the academy!”

There was barely even time to feel guilty about the fact that she hadn’t been there when Rodriquez had clearly needed her to be, as a low rumbling ripped through the ground underneath Jack’s feet. The vibrations were hard enough to rattle even the larger weights on the benches in the middle of the room, causing them to rub together with a grating sound that set her teeth on edge. It didn't feel like a jolt from weapons fire, it was different and moved in waves. “Explosions!” she exclaimed. “Go back and gather all of the kids into the girls quarters,” she said quickly to Rodriguez. “Lock the door up tight and whatever you do, don’t open it for anyone but me or Kahlee.”

 


End file.
